Johns Hopkins finally finished their publication after years of research exploring the direct corollary between wake up time and nipple size. “We find that people getting up earlier in the morning typically exhibit larger circumference in nipple growth over time, whereas late sleepers and people who are heavy handed with the snooze button generally display marked shrinkage,” says Rembrandt Byzantine, anatomy guru and research specialist at E. John Laboratories of Johns Hopkins.
Even though the study was long anticipated and drew criticisms from religious groups who lauded against the findings as “Promethean,” by leveraging alumni support and funds from tuition increases, Johns Hopkins was able to complete the study in just under 15 years.
When asked what’s on the horizon to follow the recent nipple study success, laboratory spokesperson, Greigory Hutchinson, said the research board is deciding between cancer research and an exploratory study between the size of people’s feet and their per capita incomes. “I’m really hoping for the latter,” he added, “my feet be huge!”
